Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm driving myself crazy

I'm still weighing myself every day and I think I need to stop. I'm driving myself crazy with it.

Ever since I started weight training, my weight has fluctuated a lot more. I've had weeks where the scale went up instead of down and then other weeks when it went down by a lot -- as much as three pounds! And this week I've gone up half a pound a day since my all-time-low of 113 on Monday.

At the calorie level I'm eating at -- around 1650 calories a day, I should be losing at about a pound a week, perhaps slightly less and that's what my average weight loss has been. My formulas and spreadsheets and online calculators all tell me to eat in the 1800-2200 range. If I'm losing about a pound a week at 1650, then 2150 is about right for maintenance.

Yet whenever I eat 1700 calories or more a day, I feel bloated and the scale goes up. It's always down by Monday, my official weigh-in day, though. Plus my clothes are getting looser, not tighter. I also feel like I'm eating a lot more than I used to. But when I crunched the numbers, my average daily calories for so far in July were actually slightly less than my average for the back half of June.

So, clearly, my perceptions are not matching up to reality. But the scale is reinforcing my perceptions and not reality.

On the one hand, I really don't want to lose any more weight. I'm really happy with where I am now. On the other, I wouldn't mind having a bit of a "cushion" in case I experience the dreaded "bounce back" and, also, whenever I try to eat more than 1650 calories, I feel like I'm force feeding myself. It's uncomfortable physically.

I know I need to learn to eat to my hunger and trust that my body will make me as hungry as it needs to be to be a healthy weight -- whatever that turns out to be. But I also know that I absolutely DO NOT trust my body.

I feel like my body has cheated on me in the past and is now claiming it's changed. Maybe it has. It probably has. The signs are there that it has. But the trust has been broken and it's not easily going to be rebuilt.
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