Thursday, October 30, 2008

Hid my scale

I hid my scale Tuesday night.

Okay, Mr. Mac hid it. If I hid it, I would be taking it out again on a regular basis. He's supposed to bring it out Sunday night/Monday morning before he goes to work so I can do my weekly weigh-in on Monday morning.

I was driving myself crazy weighing myself every day, moaning over how "little" I was losing and decided I had to stop. Hopefully I will get used to it, but it's been hard and it's only been two days of not weighing.

I never used to be this bad. I would weigh more than once a week when I was on structured diets like Jenny Craig. But as long as the scale went down one pound a week, I'd be happy. In fact, as long as it went down at all, I would be okay with it.

This time I am weighing myself like crazy and if the scale isn't going down half a pound a DAY, I am miserable.

I guess that proves it's all relative. Plus I've started watching that horrible "The Biggest Loser" show and one of the woman on there -- Colleen -- was my weight when I started watching and this week she passed me by a pound. Bitch. (Just kidding. I love Colleen -- she's the only one who makes that show watchable.)

Anyway, being without my scale has been harder than I thought it would be. Hopefully I will adjust to it since my head believes weighing more than once a week is bad.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Frustrated and Emotional

So today I weighed myself for my official weekly weigh in. I really only ought to weigh myself once a week. But I find myself weighing the day before Monday (to get a sneak peek) and the day after (just to make sure) and then a few other times in the week to see how it’s going. I can't seem to help myself even though I know I'm driving myself crazy, particularly on weeks like this past one that did not show weight loss every time I got on the scale.

Yesterday I was at 177, down two pounds for the week. Not happy about it, but not sad either. I also had a secret hope that I'd be down another half pound today for a total of 2.5. I only count the whole pounds (scales aren't accurate enough for more than that in my opinion) so it wouldn't have appeared in any of the places I'm tracking my weight. But I would have known about it and that would have made me happy.

Get on the scale today and what do I see? 177.5. Half a pound gain since yesterday. Which rounds to 178, which makes it a whole freaking pound lost all week instead of two.

Now I'm upset. I am sitting in my cube tearing up like a big baby. Because I "only" lost one pound instead of two. Geez. I'm really losing it, aren't I? Maybe it's the hormones being released out of my fat making me freaking emotional for no reason. I’d love it to be that, because it means I’m not crazy.

But more likely it's because I thought this would be easier. Other "lightweights" lose 20-30 pounds the first month and sometimes they aren’t even exercising very hard. I fully expected to be one of them. I like being a star and I was always a weight loss star before.

Now I've cut myself up (okay, Dr. Awesome cut me, but I paid him to do it) and made permanent changes to my anatomy and I'm not a star. Even though I swear that I am following all the rules as best I can. Yesterday was Mini-Mac's birthday party and I didn't have cake. I had a protein shake. I've been really, really good about my food. I’ve been working out. My step count is back to what it was pre-op.

Then again, I am not drinking all my fluids. It's not for lack of trying. I am even making myself stay up until 1 and 2 in the morning trying desperately to get in at least 48 oz. so I don’t dehydrate and end up in the ER. But I don't think I've hit 64 oz. in over a week and that's bad.

I also didn’t work out four times last week, like I promised myself I would. I didn’t go to the new gym to check out the pool and see if I want to join either. I made appointments at two different gyms with pools and didn’t get to either of them. My step count still isn’t up to 10,000 a day either.

So I can say I'm following all the rules, but but I'm only at about 80% right now and there is definitely room for improvement.

I'm kind of dreading my next check-up too. I need to lose another 15-25 pounds between now and then to be “on track” and I’m scared it won’t happen. Which is dumb, because it's not for two months and who knows what will happen between now and then.

Not only that, but obsessing over this and the frustration of being a "slow loser" is robbing me of real satisfaction at what I have accomplished so far and I have accomplished a lot.

Instead of feeling good about it, I feel rather overwhelmed. I didn't get much done this past weekend and I've got a lot to do at work now and I still am having issues concentrating and being focused. I still have orders to fill for my failed business and we still haven't filed our taxes for 2007.

Add in the fluids and finding time to exercise and only being able to eat 1-2 oz. at a time and sometimes I think my brain is about to explode.

One thing I do know ... anyone out there who thinks this is the easy way out isn't paying attention.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Scars - 1 month out

Another pictures of my scars. They are healing rather nicely, I think. I'm not ready to take a bath yet, though. But I am going swimming this week.

One Month Out

I was at one month on Friday. Took some pictures, or rather Mr. Mac did, but for various reasons they all had to be redone. So he took some more yesterday. I'm still not happy with them, mainly because I look a lot fatter than I feel. But that's a recurring theme with me. I'm down at least a size since a month ago but I don't think there is a big difference visually.

I thought I was doing better about not listing to the side too. I guess I need to go back to the balance games on WiiFit.

I'm wearing my 16Ps in these shots, by the way. Whee!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

My latest goals

I posted this on another site and decided to make a permanent record here.

1) To give my inner "skinny bitch" a body that matches, just like she deserves.
2) To live into my 90s as one of those cantakerous little old ladies with 10x as much energy as the youngsters I run circles around
3) To get off my BP meds (completed)
4) To go swimming with my daughter and stop making excuses every time she asks because I don't want to deal with the bathing suit in public
5) To start ballroom dancing, get a partner and compete on the amateur circuit
6) To get rid of my plantar fasciitis once and for all (not just put it into remission as it is now)
7) To be at least a size 10, maybe smaller, and to shop in regular stores and not just the fat old lady department at Macys
8) To get rid of my GERD (completed)
9) To get down to 175 (mini-goal)
9) To get down to 135 (re-evaluation goal)
12) To walk 10,000 steps a day at least 4 days a week

Monday, October 20, 2008

My Non-Scale Victories

-I am now in a size that is small enough that I can't take off my pants unless I take off my shoes first. (Yes, Virginia, size 20 pants have legs that are so wide that they are wider than my feet are small.)

-My BMI is now less than my husband's and I gave him some of my old sweatshirts and unisex shirts that don't fit me any more. (I don't think he was as happy about that as I was.)

-My plantar fasciitis seems to be in remission. (Crossing fingers that it doesn't come back.)

-My blood pressure was 110/84 the other day -- without blood pressure meds.

Apparently, I'm IT

I got tagged. Or something. :D

So I'm supposed to list eight things no one knows about me. That's going to be hard because I tend to tell everyone everything about me. Maybe I should be less free with the information so my secrets wouldn't be do dark. I'll try to think of some fun ones though.

1) If you've ever played the Mac game "Beyond Dark Castle", when the little hero-dude stops running around to pant and catch his breath ... that's me doing the panting!

2) I think shaving your legs is stupid, but I do it anyway because sometimes I'm a sheeple.

3) I was born in Hawaii, but never lived there until I was an adult.

4) I lost my virginity at age 17.

5) My two least favorite holidays are Valentine's Day and Thanksgiving; my favorite is Christmas and I'm not even a Christian.

6) My father molested me when I was 13. When I found out about five years ago that he was dead, I was happy.

7) My favorite movie is Blade Runner.

8) I've never owned a cat or a dog for a pet.

Now I'm supposed to tag eight more people. Except all the other bloggers I know are already tagged. I'll have to think about this.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Disappointing Check-up

So today was my first follow-up visit. They weighed me and said I was 181. Well, okay. My scale says 182 and it's not Monday so in my book it doesn't count. They are also tracking my weight from the day of surgery so that squirrely, not real, 191 is considered my start weight.

That means by their records, I've lost 10 lb. since surgery. By mine it is 11. Big difference, right?

Anyway, Dr. Awesome is disappointed. Says if I keep going like this, I'm in danger of not losing all my excess weight. He asked me how I felt about it and, honestly, I've been a bit disappointed too. But I know people who have lost even less in this timeframe, my post-op bible says to expect 10-20 lb. the first month, which I've already hit 10 lb. with one week to go, and since Feb. I have lost 40% of my excess weight. So I was telling myself not to be silly. Apparently I was wrong.

Now I'm depressed.

I got the big speech after that. About calories in and exercise. There was nothing mean about it and nothing I didn't agree with. It was just depressing to get The Speech when I thought I was doing so well.

Also, Dr. Awesome doesn't believe I'm eating as little as The Daily Plate shows, but I am. That pissed me off a bit. I'm very good about writing everything down and about rounding up whenever possible to make up for any unknown errors in the other direction. I've been weighing and measuring my food like crazy too. So I don't think that's the problem.

On the other hand, I am definitely not exercising as much as I'm supposed to. I was really happy that I hit the gym TWO times this week. That's a record! I really worked that bike too. But I'm supposed to do this four times. Plus I was doing around 7000-8000 steps pre-op instead of my 10,000 goal and now I'm doing even less.

So tonight, even though we had mashed potatoes for dinner, I didn't eat with the family and had my bariatric high protein food instead. I also made Mr. Mac go for a walk with me around the neighborhood. He didn't want to go as fast as me or as far but I didn't want to be out after dark alone so we compromised. I added about 3,000 steps to my count for the day!

I need to do more though.

I made Mr. Mac get me a Wii Fit for my birthday and I've only used it once. It's rather embarrassing, in fact. Both Mr. Mac and Mini-Mac have used the program way more than I have. Maybe I need to incorporate that into my schedule too. I'm definitely spending too much time lying in bed watching TV and when I'm not doing that, I'm on the internet. None of this "activity" is particularly active.

In other news, I got my surgery report and my pathology report. My stomach was fine. I'm still working my way through the surgery report. It has lots of terms I have no idea what they mean. The pathology lab over-charged me for my biopsy though.

Oh, the problems I've been having with gurgling and the sore throat and feeling stuck and all that? Dr. Awesome doesn't think it's acid. He says it's from eating too fast. I'm not 100% convinced of this, but I can't deny I'm eating too fast. Drinking too fast too. So I will give slowing down a try and see if that helps.

Dr. Awesome also said I will probably find myself moving on to real food at a slower pace than someone who didn't get the hiatal hernia repair. Pills too. (I still can't swallow any of my vitamins.) He recommended another 3 weeks of soft food. Which means I'll be on soft food when Mini-Mac and I go to Las Vegas to join the Lightweights from Obesity Help. That should be fun -- not. At least we've all had WLS so they will understand. It might be harder around Thanksgiving when the family is going to Disneyland and San Diego. But I digress.

In other news, my hair loss is not surgery related. It's too soon for that. (That's what I said!) He recommended their hair loss hand-out that I forgot to get. Plus there is a cocktail in the bible. But it also says I can use the GNC Hair formula which is what I've already got so I think I'll stick with it.

Then I met with Amy and we talked "softs". I can have string cheese! But only if I chew it good. (Which right now I am not doing with much easier food than string cheese.) I bought some more "bariatric" food just to give myself more variety and we talked about a plan for the Disneyland trip.

So here are my assignments between now and my next check-up:

1) Drink more water
2) Exercise more
3) Eat and drink slower; chew better

You know, earlier today I was feeling overwhelmed by all this. But that's actually a pretty short list. I can do it.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Going Bald

I knew that hair loss was somewhat inevitable with weight loss surgery and that there isn't much you can do about it. It tends to happen three months out and I was prepared.

But I wasn't prepared for it to start falling out at the 3 week point! Bah humbug.

Hopefully it's not a bad sign. It's not coming out in clumps, at least.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Size 16 - Whoot, Whoot!

Good lord, I'm wearing a size 16 pants and top right now. I can't believe it.

Now I can't fit into all 16s - pants with zippers and waistbands aren't quite there yet. But give me an elastic waistband and they fit like a charm.

I lost five pounds last week and five this week, too. This is much better than the first week where I spent so much time getting rid of all the fluid I picked up in the hospital that I only lost a pound of "real" weight.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good: I'm on mushies! (Soft food)

The Bad: I'm on mushies! My stomach is fine with them but it is really, really easy to eat too fast and they fill me up fairly fast. Sometimes, if I'm not paying attention, I eat too much and too fast and it's painful. Also, I had a good system for getting all my protein and fluid in with liquids and adding mushies has thrown everything off.

The Ugly: The first time I had cottage cheese, I wasn't paying attention, ate one or two bites too many and ended up worshiping the porcelain throne getting some of it to come back up so I wasn't in so much pain.

I really need to learn that it's okay to sit down and eat and do nothing else but concentrate on eating. Eating has never been that important to me ... I am always doing something else when I do it ... but I need to cut that out.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I ate oatmeal!

I had oatmeal for dinner last night and again for breakfast this morning. It wasn't very good and I didn't eat very much of it, but I guess I'm officially off "thin liquids" and onto "softs". I think I'll try cottage cheese next.

Work is going better. In hindsight, I think I should have taken a full two weeks off since I had both the sleeve and the hiatal hernia repair. But I survived the first two days and yesterday (day 3) I didn't put my head down on the desk once.

I've started looking into my bugs and I might even fix one today once I figure out what the problem is. Today is the first day I have any confidence in my ability to think clearly enough to actually change code. Actually I did okay yesterday in the meeting I had, but fixing bugs requires way more concentration than running a meeting.

I plan to work out today for the first time too. My pedometer says I'm really slacking on moving around compared to pre-op and even the first week post-op. Unfortunately I lost my workout partner to a hernia so I'm on my own. There is good and bad about that. I will concentrate on the good even though I know how hard it is for me to force myself to go to the gym without company (the bad).

I still haven't talked to Dr. Awesome about my acid. I need to do that because I don't see him in person for another 9 days and it's not getting better.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

First day back at work

Yesterday was my first day back at work. Yikes!

First, I didn't even get out of the house until about 10:30 am. I had to go back at least once for things I forgot. Then, I almost fell asleep driving in. I think all those nights of insomnia followed by days of napping took their toll on me.

When I got to work, I was so tired and out of it. For example, I got my plant back from the colleague who was minding it for me and when I went to put it back on my shelf, I missed! So now there is potting soil all over the floor of my cube.

I didn't do anything too brain intensive but even what I did do tasked me. Today I want to actually fix a bug. We'll see how that goes.

I was also a lot hungrier and it felt like I was eating a lot more, but when I got home and checked off what I had eaten for the day on The Daily Plate, I hadn't even made it above 400 calories. I'm not sure exactly what the difference was. I did get in more plain fluids -- I had some tea with no protein in it -- but I thought I was having the same amounts of protein supplements as I had at home. Obviously not.

After dinner, I also had a major bout of intestinal distress. Not pleasant at all. I feel asleep afterwards and then found myself awake again at 1:00 am. But I made myself go back to bed this time.

Hopefully, today will go better.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Stupid Acid Reflux

Man, I am full of acid. It's the pits.

The first couple of days I was okay but it's gradually gotten worse. Tonight I really want to go to bed (since I go back to work tomorrow) but I still have to choke down 8 oz. of water and a sugar free jello in order to meet my protein and fluid requirements. But it's really hard to eat/drink anything when you are full of acid and it's rising up into your throat.

The prilosec I'm taking in the mornings helps for a bit but by mid-afternoon, I can feel the acid. At first, it feels like I'm hungry. But as the evening progresses, I go from thinking I need to eat, eat, eat to thinking I couldn't possibly put anything more into my sleeve. If I haven't gotten in all my requirements before that happens, I'm a gonner.

I think I may just skip it tonight. I've gotten close enough an any more is going to just make me vomit.

I had hoped to be able to stumble along until my follow-up appointment next week but I think I'm going to have to email Dr. Awesome sooner than that because it just gets worse every day.

Post-op Hunger

Since I had the surgery, I no longer feel desperately hungry most of the time. I've noticed that I've gone from eating about every 2 hours to eating every 4 on average as well so that means I'm staying full longer. This is great!

I have felt hunger though. It's not the same as before, thank goodness, but I'd rather not feel it at all right now.

There seem to be three instances where I get "hungry" only one of which is true hunger.

1) Low blood sugar hunger - when I go too long without eating, I feel weak and shaky and "empty". It's interesting because if I was still mass producing ghrelin, I would probably also get the "EAT SOMETHING OR YOU'LL DIE" signal, but I don't. So there is this weird disconnect going on. It's not too bad though, because I just eat something and it goes away.

2) Restless hunger - this is when I find myself standing in front of the fridge and I have no idea how I got there. It tends to happen when I'm bored. When I'm working full-time, it mostly happens on the weekend as work keeps me pretty busy. Unfortunately, my computer desk is in the kitchen so I'm close to the fridge. Generally, when this happen now I go to another room or do something to distract myself. So far it's working, but I can see this something I need to watch out for.

3) Acid reflux hunger - since I got my hiatal hernia repaired, my acid reflux is much more controllable. But I'm still getting issues late at night. It's so weird how being full of acid mimics the hunger signs. Since I am having trouble getting all my fluids in, I generally drink some water when I get these signals.

Pre-op drinking water often turned off my "EAT SOMETHING" signals, but it doesn't seem to do much for the ones caused by acid reflux. I think I may need my PPI meds adjusted. Hopefully, the acid will die down soon as my stomach gets used to its new size and it will become a non-issue.

The main problem with all these "hunger" signals is that they totally throw me into a panic. I'm so afraid of feeling hungry because of my past experiences. To me feeling hungry equals being out of control with food. But so far, I'm managing. Hopefully, I'll get used to this new way of experiencing hunger eventually and it won't throw me into a tizzy so easily.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Can't sleep still

I was having trouble sleeping prior to getting "sleeved" but I blamed it on stress and excitement. Now I can't sleep after. I'm blaming it on taking naps and pain killers.

I am still on pain killers. My Post-op Bible says most people are off them by day 7, but I think it's going to take me a little while longer. I still have back pain from the hiatal hernia repair.

Even though I can't sleep, I'm so happy! Because of the hiatal hernia repair, a lot of uncomfortable symptoms are gone. I no longer go to bed at night feeling like a 10 pound cat is sitting on my chest. Plus the back pain that comes and goes where the hernia was will go away forever once it all heals.

I also feel like the hunger monkey is off my back. It's such a wonderful feeling not to be hungry all the time. I am sometimes still hungry -- I haven't figured out if it's "real" hunger or "head" hunger because it's an okay feeling. It means I need to eat something and then it will go away. It's nothing like the desperate hunger I had before.

Compared to these two things, all the other stuff -- the fussy tummy, the occasional gas, the loopiness from pain killers -- is nothing. Those are all temporary and get better every day. I'm a bit impatient to be totally better, of course, but the overwhelming happiness tends to wash those other feelings out.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A watched scale never moves (downward)

I was very curious about how my weight loss would go post-op and also how much fluid I'd take in from the IVs in the hospital. So I fell back into the habit of weighing every day and this was not a good idea. I started to get pretty discouraged about how much I gained in the hospital and how slow it was coming off.

I always tell other people not to weigh more than once a week but sometimes I don't follow my own advice.

Also, even though I'm back down to what I was when I checked into the hospital, I'm a lot more swollen and I'm worried the outfit I picked out to wear to my friends' wedding this Saturday won't fit. All my jeans that were falling off my ass fit just right now. I had not anticipated that.

Today I had to eat in a restaurant. It's MacBoy's birthday and we always go out on the actual birthday day. I ordered milk. Just milk. I brought my Blender Bottle with some protein powder in it, poured the milk in and shook it up. It worked pretty well and with my swollen tummy I could only drink about 4 oz. of it anyway. I could have just had water, I guess, but that seemed unfair to the restaurant.

My old lady role models

There are a lot of fiesty old ladies in my life. These woman have more energy than people half their age. They are also quite tiny, often underweight. This has lead me to believe that there really is something to the whole Calorie Restriction theory.

First we have my grandmother who tilled her garden for hours every day up to the day she died at age 80. She didn't get felled by any "old age" disease either. She died because she got hit by a truck while in the middle of a long distance road trip. Face it, as crazy as she drove me in many ways, she was a tough old bird and you've got to respect that. She also was very thin and short, around 90 pounds and 5'2" at the time of her death.

Another one I look to as a role model is my Great-Aunt Izzy. She was a big favorite with us kids because she was genuinely interested in us (and slipped us $5 bills -- a large amount in the 60s -- whenever she came to visit). She lived to be 98, which is nothing to sneeze at. She wasn't ornery like my grandmother, but she was short and thin like her.

Then there is my left-side neighbor who isn't nearly that old, but will be some day, I'm sure. She also leads an active life -- one more active than mine in many ways. She keeps her own house, gardens, teaches kids to read at our local school and is active in her church. I don't know how much she weighs, but I bet it isn't much more than my grandmother or my Great Aunt Izzy and she's not much taller either.

Let's not forget the tiny old Chinese lady who is at least in her 70s that one of my niece's bridesmaids met when she went down to Chinatown to do the touristy thing the day after the wedding. This firecracker took M all over Chinatown, wearing out her 20-something butt in the process. Afterwards M said to us "I couldn't keep up with her. She was so tiny but she had so much energy!" I said "that's who I want to be when I grow up!"

Finally we have all my ice dancing friends, who skate several times a week and are working on their Gold Dances just like the youngsters and will probably skate until they die. Yeah, they are all short and thin too.

That's pretty much what all these women have in common, in fact. Some are ornery, some are sweet as pie, some are religious, some are agnostic, some are well educated, some only graduated from High School. But they are all active and they are all thin and they are all outliving their contemporaries.

So that's what I'm aiming for. I've got the short part down. It's time to work on the thin part.