Monday, October 27, 2008

Frustrated and Emotional

So today I weighed myself for my official weekly weigh in. I really only ought to weigh myself once a week. But I find myself weighing the day before Monday (to get a sneak peek) and the day after (just to make sure) and then a few other times in the week to see how it’s going. I can't seem to help myself even though I know I'm driving myself crazy, particularly on weeks like this past one that did not show weight loss every time I got on the scale.

Yesterday I was at 177, down two pounds for the week. Not happy about it, but not sad either. I also had a secret hope that I'd be down another half pound today for a total of 2.5. I only count the whole pounds (scales aren't accurate enough for more than that in my opinion) so it wouldn't have appeared in any of the places I'm tracking my weight. But I would have known about it and that would have made me happy.

Get on the scale today and what do I see? 177.5. Half a pound gain since yesterday. Which rounds to 178, which makes it a whole freaking pound lost all week instead of two.

Now I'm upset. I am sitting in my cube tearing up like a big baby. Because I "only" lost one pound instead of two. Geez. I'm really losing it, aren't I? Maybe it's the hormones being released out of my fat making me freaking emotional for no reason. I’d love it to be that, because it means I’m not crazy.

But more likely it's because I thought this would be easier. Other "lightweights" lose 20-30 pounds the first month and sometimes they aren’t even exercising very hard. I fully expected to be one of them. I like being a star and I was always a weight loss star before.

Now I've cut myself up (okay, Dr. Awesome cut me, but I paid him to do it) and made permanent changes to my anatomy and I'm not a star. Even though I swear that I am following all the rules as best I can. Yesterday was Mini-Mac's birthday party and I didn't have cake. I had a protein shake. I've been really, really good about my food. I’ve been working out. My step count is back to what it was pre-op.

Then again, I am not drinking all my fluids. It's not for lack of trying. I am even making myself stay up until 1 and 2 in the morning trying desperately to get in at least 48 oz. so I don’t dehydrate and end up in the ER. But I don't think I've hit 64 oz. in over a week and that's bad.

I also didn’t work out four times last week, like I promised myself I would. I didn’t go to the new gym to check out the pool and see if I want to join either. I made appointments at two different gyms with pools and didn’t get to either of them. My step count still isn’t up to 10,000 a day either.

So I can say I'm following all the rules, but but I'm only at about 80% right now and there is definitely room for improvement.

I'm kind of dreading my next check-up too. I need to lose another 15-25 pounds between now and then to be “on track” and I’m scared it won’t happen. Which is dumb, because it's not for two months and who knows what will happen between now and then.

Not only that, but obsessing over this and the frustration of being a "slow loser" is robbing me of real satisfaction at what I have accomplished so far and I have accomplished a lot.

Instead of feeling good about it, I feel rather overwhelmed. I didn't get much done this past weekend and I've got a lot to do at work now and I still am having issues concentrating and being focused. I still have orders to fill for my failed business and we still haven't filed our taxes for 2007.

Add in the fluids and finding time to exercise and only being able to eat 1-2 oz. at a time and sometimes I think my brain is about to explode.

One thing I do know ... anyone out there who thinks this is the easy way out isn't paying attention.
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