Sunday, September 21, 2008

2 am. Can't sleep

I've been having trouble sleeping. It got really bad tonight. So here I am on the computer.

When I go to sleep and wake up I have the same thoughts "Have you lost your mind? How can you pay someone to cut off your stomach?" But during the day I'm excited, picturing my future and how I'll be able to do all these things that are hard now and not have to take so much medicine.

It's a scary kind of exciting though because the future is unknown. I could have complications and insurance might not cover them. I could be one of the people whose hunger comes back fast or who can't keep down a lot of different kinds of foods. I could lose a lot of weight, but develop some completely unrelated health problem and die prematurely anyway. Plus, even if everything goes about as perfect as it could possibly go, it's not like I'll never have any problems ever again.

On the other hand, I could go back to skating and actually get an ice dance partner this time. Or take up ballroom dancing and win lots of trophies. I could become a fashion diva and enjoy clothes shopping for the first time in my life. Or maybe I'll go in a completely different direction that I never would have thought of living my life as I was.

Someone asked me if I am going to write a letter to my loved ones just in case something happens. Apparently "everyone" does this. I guess I'm not everyone, because it never occurred to me. I know nothing is going to happen to me. That's not what I'm afraid of.

But then I think: what if it does and my kids are left confused and resentful.

So I think I will write them a letter. Not to be given to them if something happens, but to give to them no matter what. After all, it's never a bad idea to tell your family you love them and as specific as possible.
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