Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Hunger Monster is awakening

I supposed it had to happen sooner or later. I was doing pretty well drinking lots of water and only eating about 1500 calories a day while not feeling deprived at all. But lately I feel like I've been hanging on by my fingernails. I look at what I'm eating and drinking and it doesn't seem any different from before, but now suddenly I'm hungry much more of the time and the hunger is stronger. I've also started to get really strong head hunger when I see certain snacks. I just look at them and my brain is saying I've got to have them.

I've resisted so far. Mr. Mac brought home a Giant Size Hershey Bar with Almonds after an emergency trip to Walgreens last night and I wanted to eat the whole thing right then and there. I managed to resist, but now I can't stop thinking about that candy bar sitting up in the "grown-ups only" cupboard.

Normally I get to this point after a long period of dieting when I switch to maintenance mode. That is usually when despair sets in because I realize that if I can't live on 1500 calories a day, I'm not going to maintain my weight.

I had been really hopeful I could get under 200 lb. before my surgery but now I'm doubtful I'll get much lower and I'm worrying I might even gain some back.

You would think this time, it wouldn't be so bad because I know there is a solution in my future, but it's so easy to get into that Dieter's Mentality, no matter how much you try not to. So the same feelings of frustration, despair and even a little bit of shame are there. I keep thinking "maybe if I did something different" and "what's wrong with me that I can't stick to a healthy diet?" even though I know intellectually that I'm fighting biology.

I think the long pre-op process with all the ups and down is taking its toll. Hopefully the seminar tonight will revive me.
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